Channel: Michael Hersey | Source
Participant: I’m having a really hard time. It feels like the longer I am alive, the more I feel aware of being profoundly damaged and misguided. I’m supremely confused because I feel like I’ve been blessed – or cursed – with tremendous gifts, and feel a responsibility to bring them out into the world. However, I feel that my path is consistently blocked and unsupported. It’s like life keeps wanting me to sit on my hands; every effort that I put out into the world fails to bear fruit. It’s really painful. I feel ashamed of feeling I have problems because I’m equally aware that I am blessed and have a lot of grace. I don’t know if there is something in my ego coming from a place of desperation instead of pure inspiration. Everything feels like an abortion or a stillborn. There is all of this enthusiasm and vision; I put a lot of effort out into the world and express my vision, but I don’t get any support. It seems that all of my projects are much bigger than me; they require a team to manifest. Then the energy dissipates and I’m left by myself, spinning my wheels. I am disheartened and feel thwarted at every turn and don’t feel proud of myself. I want to feel proud of myself because I think I’m a good person with a lot of beauty to contribute. People say they want to participate and then they disappear. I feel like Sisyphus with the boulder, and then I retreat back into nothingness. This can’t be right. I’m alone most of the time and not nearly as productive and creative as I want to be. How come Michael gets to put something out in the world and gets to manifest it and people show up and pay for it? Why can’t I have that? Why can’t I have the thing that I want to do be embraced by the world? It doesn’t make any sense to me. I work so hard on being positive and being grateful. I recognize that everything is divine grace and I am so fortunate to exist, but in my mind’s eye I see this prolific person, energy is flowing and I’m out in the world and doing things and sharing my gifts. But that’s not my experience. I wake up nearly every day with dark thoughts, hating my life. I have to spend a lot of time redirecting myself, feeling gratitude, and being patient and gentle with myself. But it’s boring and it hurts. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I feel like I’m being punished or cursed. I don’t know what I’m doing. Why? (tears)
You may be familiar with the expression “with strings attached.” Someone gives something, but not freely. There is an expectation of a return gift or that it be used in a certain way. God has no strings attached to any gift that you receive. There are no expectations that they be used or not used in any particular way. Not even an expression of gratitude is required. Any string that you feel is yours. You have placed it there. Notice that. You are the only one holding an expectation for yourself.
Participant: Why shouldn’t I? I have been given gifts. Why can’t I share them?
You are free to share them, but it is not required. Feeling that you need to only brings you pain and suffering. Then you project this neediness onto others by holding strings for them. They should receive and enjoy your gifts. If they don’t appear to do this there is, again, pain and suffering. It is the ego mind that sets goals, wants to achieve things, and wishes to be loved and appreciated. The ego mind is never satisfied. It always wants more. The peace and love you seek is not in the world; it is within you. You are bigger than the world. It can never fill that void. The ego mind thinks it knows who you are and what you should be doing. That “knowledge” has not done much for you. Instead of “knowing”, you can look within to find out who you are. You can ask. You can search. You can step back and ask who wants to know. Who is watching your life unfold? If you allow the focus on this question to be of supreme importance, the goals and rantings of the ego mind will atrophy. The ego mind says that you are such a failure. Ask who is such a failure. Who is thinking that? Who is noticing? Notice that thoughts and feelings arise, but then try to notice who is noticing. Notice the thoughts, but don’t chase after them. Be aware of the feelings but don’t try to rationalize, understand, or escape from them. Thoughts and feelings come, but do you choose any of them? You don’t wake up choosing to feel depressed and not wanting to face the day. If you had the power to choose you would wake up radiant, excited for the possibilities the day would bring. You didn’t choose these thoughts. Where do they come from? Who knows? All that can be known is that you are not responsible. You could say that this is the gift the Divine has brought this morning. Give thanks and take a close look at it. This is not happening to you. It is simply happening. Who is noticing that?
Participant: It just feels like so much work. Why is it this way? Why do I have to struggle every single day?
You are speaking for 99 per cent of the people in the world.
Participant: Which makes this life a nightmare instead of the blessing it should be.
Here is the difference. Most of the ninety-nine per cent say that that is just the way it is. They have no awareness of nor desire to find another way. But that’s not where you are. It feels like hell, but that’s because you are in-between. You are straddling two worlds. You are aware of the spiritual awakening and that the world is a blessing. At the same time, you are drawn to the ego promises of heaven on earth. Sooner or later the choice will be made to let go of the ego. The Divine door has been opened to you. Good luck in ever getting that one shut again. Meanwhile there is hell, which is its own motivator. You are being pulled in opposite directions and feel torn apart. If becoming constantly aware of which voice you are listening to feels too hard, just pay attention to what is here. Use your senses. You love to sing, so sing. If you want an audience go to the park or the subway or the mall or anywhere you can give people an opportunity to stop and listen. The whole awakening process accelerates when you truly get that the ego goals will never bring you the love and peace you desire.
Participant: It sounds like you are talking about being content being retired as opposed to feeling like there is something that I’m supposed to be or do.
You asked why Michael gets to be successful with his business. This is his reaction to retirement: “Thank God I can get up each day and just do whatever I want.”
Participant: But he plans these meetings in advance and sends out emails and is able to fund apps and other things. There is certainly action that takes place in 3D.
He does what he does because that is his joy and passion. He plans things because in the moment it feels that he would love doing them. Sometimes things are planned and nobody responds. No problem. Sometimes plans are offered to him out of the blue. If one person wants to talk, he says, “When?”. I have told him to ask for money. He doesn’t get rich; the business has yet to show a profit and he works for free. But money is there to publish books, have a website and a YouTube channel. He doesn’t worry about money. He keeps track of it, but being a CPA was once an unrealized passion for him. He simply trusts that the Universe will take care of everything. He’s happy talking with a half a dozen people, but if the universe wants to put him in front of large audiences, he’ll try that out. What is important is his own daily dialogue with life. Interesting things always happen. This is not where Michael has always been. There was a time when he wanted worldly success, too. Keep your eye on the prize of awakening. Nothing else matters.
Participant: I once participated in a conference where one of the speakers, an author of “Chicken Soup for the Soul”, said that if God put this idea in your head, how dare you not honor it? I struggle because I have been given global vision but doubt my ability to do it. I get these large visions, deal with all my stuff about being able to do it and then taking the plan to the world. But I don’t get any level of traction under it and it feels like there is something fundamentally wounded in me that sabotages the manifestation. I’d rather not get the global vision if I can’t deliver it. Occasionally things happen but I mostly feel utterly underutilized.
Let’s look more closely at what this guidance from God is. The thought is that God put this idea in your head so you should carry it out. You don’t seem to be able to bring the plan into fruition. Isn’t that also from God?
Participant: Then I feel like he’s fucking with me.
Again, God’s gifts don’t come with strings. There are no shoulds in Divinity. The question is, “What is really the truth of what you want?”
Participant: I want divine collaboration with others in a shared vision.
Why do you want that?
Participant: Because it feels enlivening.
So, you don’t feel alive?
Participant: No, I feel flat.
Aliveness is within you, not outside in the world.
Participant: It’s also said that no man is an island, and these visions are much bigger than me. They aren’t anything that I can deliver by myself.
We come back to the question of what is the truth of you.
Participant: She seems to be a well-meaning struggling character in the divine play. That doesn’t feel right to me.
Let’s go deeper into this. Who is it that is seeing you and making judgments about your life? Where is this ego that is watching and evaluating?
Participant: In my mind?
Where is your mind?
Participant: I think it is in my head, but I don’t know for sure.
So, you are your body then. Without your body and your head there would be no awareness of anything?
Participant: It seems that way. It’s confusing to manifest in physical form and keep awareness in the oneness – as opposed to enjoying the deliciousness of the illusion of separation, the getting to be a distinct character with specific desires and preferences and idiosyncrasies as part of the game here. It feels alienating to be hanging out in the oneness when the rest of the world is running around being individuals.
In the play each character gets to have all of that and yet knows that this is just a role and not the truth of who she is. Letting go of ownership of the body and control of the script does not mean that there is no longer a distinctive personality. It does not mean separation and aloneness and lack of participation in the game of life. In fact, there is a greater aliveness and fearlessness in throwing yourself into the game because there is nothing to lose. There is nowhere to get to, just the playing of the game. You are able to do all of that because you know that the truth of you is not this character. It is simply the role being played. Do you believe you actually are this character?
Participant: I think so.
Sooner or later this physicalness that you think you are will die. Will you no longer exist then?
Participant: Seems that way. It also seems like the story of death may or may not be true. If we arrive at an incarnation that we really love, we should be able to hang out in it indefinitely.
And you have met lots of people who are doing that, right?
Participant: No, I haven’t. (laughs). I haven’t met a lot of people who think like I do.
This question comes back to the question of whether you are this character or simply observing this character.
Participant: I must be someone observing this character. I think that the observer is rooting for the character to achieve her dreams.
Who is observing the observer rooting for the character? Let’s use the metaphor of film. The character is the film and the observer is the audience. No amount of rooting is going to make any difference on what happens on the screen. The character will act and react and events will happen as they do. The audience has zero control.
Participant: I thought I was the writer/director.
If that were the case, why are you not writing a script where the character exceeds her dreams?
Participant: I don’t know! That is the whole point!
Apparently you are not the author. If you don’t like that, who is noticing that? Stand back further.
Participant: The executive producer? (laughing)
And behind that is who?
Participant: Oooooh! God! (much laughing). God is behind me. This is when they talk in the Bible about the vengeful god. This is who I’m grappling with. He’s fucking with me.
We have another term for that. We call it projection. You see a vengeful god because you don’t want to see a guilty, vengeful self. This allows you to absolve yourself of some guilt, but leaves you a helpless victim. Who can possibly be victorious over that super hero.
Participant: Why am I sabotaging myself?
That is the question. Let’s go inside and take a look. The ego mind wants to frame everything around the question, “Why is that happening?”. If the truth is that you are doing it, the question becomes: “Who am I?” and “Why am I doing this?”
Participant: Earlier you said that I have no control.
That was referring to ego you, not the Divine you. If the truth of who you are is the beloved child of God, created in the image of the Creator, who is the you who is pretending not to be that? Who is saying, “Daddy doesn’t approve of me”? Who is saying, “Bad girl. I have given you all of these gifts and you have squandered them”? That is simply the ego mind judging herself and finding her to be unworthy. Daddy says, “We love you no matter what you do. You cannot disappoint Us. There are no strings attached. You are free to do whatever you wish each day. Nothing controls you. The past doesn’t matter. The future is taken care of. Just enjoy what is here.” Who is this character who refuses this gift saying she’s not good enough, she’s not deserving, she has to prove her worth? The ego mind thinks it knows what life should look like and if it doesn’t then something is wrong. On the contrary, life is always bringing exactly the perfect thing. It could be no other way because it is all of God. Yet, ego mind refuses to accept it; won’t even look at it; certainly, doesn’t open it up and try it on. Ego you refuses to recognize Divine you that is sending these gifts.
Participant: So how do I get out of my own way?
Give up. Give up all of the goals and dreams and thoughts of what should be and how you should be. Instead look around to see what is actually here now. What does Divine you have for “little” you today?
Participant: So, I am good enough for this perfect, divine moment, whatever it should be.
It’s exactly as it should be, bringing what you truly want.
Participant: So, this is what I truly want, even though it doesn’t look like what I think it should.
For example, you spent how many years trying to do and be and have something that didn’t work as you thought you wanted it to. But you are Divine, so apparently what you were telling yourself you wanted wasn’t what you truly desired. If it was, it would have come. If you want to feel loved, you won’t feel that by being successful. As they say, the same people who kissed your ass on the way up will kick your butt on the way down. They don’t love you. Love cannot be earned. If you want to feel love, then love. Love yourself. Look inside at all the ego beliefs you have about unlovability. Where did they come from. You have been programmed. Look for the truth of your innocence, your Divine nature. Love every moment, everything that is in your life. Be absolutely present. See the beauty all about you. Nothing has to happen for you to feel loved. How can you watch a bird or the clouds without feeling the love of God?
Participant: So, I am misguided.
Yes, but you are not alone. You have plenty of company. It is not a failing. Everyone else is as miserable as you are. Many are good at hiding it. Thinking that they feel happy and successful is your projection. You don’t have to continue to follow the misguidance. Again, the mind thinks it knows what it wants, but reaching those goals will not bring feelings of peace and love and joy in each moment. Those feelings are available to you right here, right now regardless of what you are doing or what is happening. Go directly for your true desires, not for things you think will lead you there. Those are always mirages. Each day when you awaken, look around and see what is here right now. Forget plans or worrying about what you did or didn’t do yesterday. Take your time. Experience your world with all of your senses. Should you become aware of something you wish to do, do it. Check to see that the doing comes from passion, not from getting some result. If disconcerting thoughts or emotions are there, let them be present. Don’t choose to act on or feed the thoughts. Don’t try to stop, bury, rationalize, or change the feelings. Just watch them. See how they mutate. Constantly. Forever. None of this is your creation. Relax and enjoy the show.
Participant: So, what do you take action on? What is inspired action?
When you have passion. When it is absolutely clear. When you just know. When it is connected only to the doing, not to a result. Doing this right now brings joy right now.
Participant: So, you are saying to just do whatever there is an impulse to do in the moment and not judge it, not evaluate whether it is getting me closer.
If you have passion for it, thank God for this gift in this moment. There is nothing to get closer to. Imagine each moment of your life spent in living out your passion.
Participant: So, there is just doing what is joyful. If I have to chase after it, it’s not for me.
Unless there is joy in the chase.
Participant: There is no joy in the chase.
There will be enough things that come into your life that might be a challenge to accept. Why choose extra stuff?
Good Now
Sanhia/Spirit
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