By Julie Peters | Source
Instead of firmness, try care and compassion to maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Setting and holding emotional boundaries is tricky for a lot of us. Maybe we’ve learned it’s not okay to say no or that we’ll only be loved if we are needed. We overstretch and do more than we should, pleasing others at the cost of ourselves and our authenticity. We know we need to set boundaries with our partners, our bosses, and even our children—and yet we struggle.
Part of the reason setting boundaries with our loved ones is difficult is because we love them! We don’t want to push them away or isolate ourselves from them. But if we keep saying yes when we’re exhausted or resentful, we’ll only struggle harder. If our relationships don’t suffer, our bodies surely will, letting us know we are hurting ourselves when our boundaries are not firmly in place.
Anger is often the primary emotion that will signal to us when a boundary is being crossed. It’s important to acknowledge that signal to keep ourselves safe and intact emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Anger can be cold and hard, but compassion can be its close ally.
We might be surprised to discover that compassion and care can help us set and maintain appropriate boundaries. It’s understandable to think that all we need is a little meanness or nonchalance to keep us safe. Won’t compassion suck us back in to answering that phone call, picking up that messy room, or arguing with that uncle’s conspiracy theories?
Not necessarily. Too often we violate our own boundaries not because someone really needs us to do something, but because we feel the need. We fear that if we set a boundary, we will be rejected, disliked, ignored, or isolated—making it about us. Compassion helps us put the focus back on the other person, and we can set our boundaries with love.
Compassionate Boundaries Aren’t About You
Let’s say, for example, that I need space from my sister’s constant phone calls to process her recent divorce. I love and feel for my sister, but she calls late in the evening when I’m exhausted from my day and need time to rest. Fear might say I should answer because she’ll think I’m a bad sister if I don’t, or my mom will judge me for not being there for her. Fear is actually worried about me.
Compassion considers my sister: She’s going through a lot right now. She’s also an adult and capable of handling it if I don’t answer her call. I want to hear what she has to say when I have the time and emotional space to listen and respond. Compassion gives me room to consider what I really have to offer, rather than pushing through my own boundaries to help someone I care about.
Another place where boundaries get tangled is in arguments—especially if we care about the other person. Let’s say I am stuck at a dinner with someone who really presses my buttons. I disagree with what they say and get into a fruitless argument with them, ending the night exhausted.
Compassion reminds me that this person came to those beliefs in their own ways and for their own reasons. They are a human being just like me. Compassion allows me to remember that this argument isn’t about me and my identity, concerns, or values. It might even inspire me to ask them a question about how their views developed. Compassion can create a loving distance, with space for curiosity and connection, by taking the pressure off ourselves and our egos.
Compassion may not always be the right tool when we need to set and maintain boundaries. Sometimes we do need clear, cold anger or good, old-fashioned fear to get us away from a situation that is unhealthy or unsafe. But it might be interesting to experiment with compassion when you are exploring the boundaries you need to put in place and practicing loving ways to maintain them.